I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Your cock deserves a montage
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
