Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
