It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
