I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize