My hair reeks of homosexuality.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
