rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
