Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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