she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
