no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
