So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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