thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
