I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize