dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
