I just pynch a tree in the face
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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