My sheets look like a crime scene.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
