Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
