In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
