The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
