After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
