I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
smell my finger.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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