Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
