I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
