My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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