i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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