don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
