Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize