You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
