fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
