Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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