she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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