One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
