**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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