my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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