sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
