My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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