moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
