we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize