I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
smell my finger.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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