well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
