I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
