turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
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