My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
