My sheets look like a crime scene.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
