fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
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