Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
