Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
