Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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