I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
