I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
