found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
