we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
