I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
