i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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