Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
