They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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