hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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