He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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