Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
